I have always loved adult “toy” stores. First of all, the people that own them are usually friendly and want to put their customers at ease, so they create a comfortable, open environment. It often feels both safe and liberating inside these stores. I also love people-watching in general and specifically in this setting. Talk about shattering assumptions! I was the most guilty about expecting all the customers to be edgy or even unsavory (I, of course, would be the exception — get over myself!). What I’ve noticed is that the most mainstream, “normal” people frequent these establishments. My favorite was once observing a minister and his wife returning a particular item because it broke on the first try (I confess, I was eavesdropping and they were quite forthcoming.).

If one believes half of what we read, baby boomers are very concerned about their sexual side (and they aren’t the only ones). Most of us are looking to enjoy the full human experience and that means balanced mind, body, and spirit. With that in mind, I’d like to announce that I have become affiliated with a wonderful company called For Your Pleasure and I am available for home parties! Are you supposed to come up with an idea for a bachelor/bachelorette party, a special birthday, or just celebrating your friends and being alive?? These are really fun events designed for everyone’s enjoyment and presented in a relaxing format that feels safe and informative. Call me today or e-mail me and book a good time!
http://foryourpleasure.net/babs
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Look around at different situations . . .is there someone at work, the gym, where you get your coffee every morning, or even someone whose website you admire?? Make a friendly overture. Say something like, “Hi, this might seem odd, or maybe not, but I like — [fill in the blank with a neutral compliment — I like to use a compliment on someon’s shoes !]”. Look for the opportunities and move past your shyness. You never know when you’ll add a new friend to your circle.

Some of you might remember a little song we sang as kids, “Make new friends and keep the old . . .one is silver and the other’s gold.” It wasn’t much more than a fun round to sing around the campfire back then. Now, and for many years, I have realized just how important my friends really are. They hold me accountable, support me, witness my life, and allow me to do the same for them. Good friendships are not for the faint of heart! I am very grateful to have friends that I’ve known for over 40 years and also friends from many different age groups, younger, older, as well as my fellow boomers. These would fall into the category of gold, according to the song. Even more interesting is the fact that I continue to make new friends — adding silver to my circle. Some of them I meet through others or through work situations, at the gym, in the neighborhood, and other fairly conventional settings. I want to share how I got to know a new friend recently . . .
I sometimes use online dating services — last year I wanted to sign up and use a particular handle. Well, the service said the name was already in use. I thought it was particularly unique and was a little indignant that someone else had taken it! I decided to use it anyway and add a “2″ on the end. After a while, it occurred to me that if I thought the it was clever then I might want to know who the other woman was that also thought so. I looked her up, found out we were close in age, had similar interests, and lived a couple of states apart. That was not enough — I decided to contact her. Without going into details, let me fast forward and tell you that we connected and have become good friends! We even send info on potential dates we come across for each other. Seems a little out of the norm and she could have written me off as a kook. However, she didn’t and I have a new friend to visit when I’m out of state and so does she. As far as I’m concerned, we can never have too many friends.

As I’ve gotten older what I think of as a treat has changed.  In my youth material items brought me far more pleasure than they do now.  Instead, special moments with dear friends are more meaningful.  I also appreciate myself more — what I might have taken for granted in my 20’s is awesome over 40.  When I’m on the dance floor moving to the music I can immerrse myself completely in the beat, movement, and company.  Dancing close with someone special might have been exciting 25 years ago — now it takes on a whole other dimension.  Back then I was more concerned with what “others” thought of me.  Now, I have an inner confidence, I enjoy myself, and I savor my interpersonal experiences.

This week I wrote about treats and giving yourself something special.  It’s great to take the action, however I want to remind you to really show up for whatever it is you decide is your goodie.  If you make an appointment for a special treatment, allow yourself to be there totally and enjoy it.  If you choose to buy yourself something you’ve been wanting, stay in the moment throughout the transaction and when you have it in your possession, allow yourself to fully appreciate what you’ve done for yourself.  This will make it even more meaningful.

Make a short list of things that would make you feel good.  It might include a new piece of clothing, a magazine, a new coffee or tea, or it might be a service like a scalp massage or hair treatment.  Make a commitment to yourself to treat yourself at least once this week (more than once is a bonus), simply because you deserve it.

“One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous, small treats.”  - Iris Murdoch
Any of my friends or people that work with me know that the above quote is nearly a mantra for me.  It’s a wonderful thing to have someone in our lives (or, more than ONE someone!) who is thoughtful and gives us treats.  These can fall in the category of actual, concrete gifts like flowers, jewelry, a book, or anything that we might appreciate.  It can also mean doing something special for us like washing our car or running an errand.  The list is infinite and different for everyone.  However, no matter how close this person is to us, who knows best what we might really want at any given time — ?  The answer is each of us.  Only we know, ALL the time, what is pleasing at any given moment.  Yet, how often do we treat ourselves?  From my experience and observation, not nearly often enough!  In fact, sometimes when we go to get ourselves something new, we end up finding something for someone else and forego our own gratification.  In the end, the message we send to ourselves is that we really don’t count — or at least not as much as someone or even anyone else.  When we feel recognized and validated by another person it should not come as news to us.  Instead, we should be able to accept it and internally agree with it.  Feeling good about ourselves doesn’t usually happen overnight.  It’s something we build on and strengthen over time.  One way to get on track is to start gifting ourselves with little (or big!) goodies.  If we feel like we’ve worked hard at the end of the week, maybe a manicure or massage (these are good for both men and women) will help us feel like we reecognize our worth and efforts.  It makes us more fun to be around and definitely, more sexy.

Make some space and consider these quotations:

“Perfection does not exist; you can always do better and you can always grow.”   Les Brown
“Perfectionism is the enemy of creation . . . “   John Updike
“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.”   Harriet Bralker
“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement.”   George F. Will
“When you aim for perfection you discover it’s a moving target.”   Geoffrey F. Fisher
“Be intent on the perfection of the present day.”   William Law
“I do not try to dance better than anyone else.  I only try to dance better than myself.”   Mikhail Baryshnikov

Watch how many times you are quick to criticize yourself.  Notice if it feels like you’re not being “good enough” or simply “not enough”.  Webster’s includes one of the definitions of perfect as “satisfying all requirements” and also lists the synonyms “whole, entire, intact”.  That puts perfection into a manageable commodity.  Either let go of perfection all together or feel yourself in your wholeness, entirety, and intact.  It all works.

This week’s theme presented itself as “perfection” (see On My Mind) and it brings up how imperfect we sometimes feel as we age.  Even though there are more baby boomers than any other age group, there is still the impression that society is dictated by the young.  It’s nice to see so many advertisements using older people (even with grey hair!).  It reminds those of us over 40 that we are still vital, beautiful, handsome, and sexy in many ways.  It validates what we think we already know, yet doubt.  The next time you are feeling “imperfect”, notice that you might be comparing yourself to someone else — possibly someone younger.  As soon as we enter into the game of comparison, we start looking for trouble and one of my favorite sayings is, “If you go looking for trouble, you’ll probably find it.”  Instead, start noticing everything wonderful about yourself, inside and out.  If you’re feeling low and having trouble finding something to crow about, remember the last compliment you got or call your best friend or a relative who thinks you’re swell and ask them to indulge you and tell you one thing they love about you.  Perfect/imperfect — who sets those standards anyway?!  Remember that you are perfectly you.